SPACE WARS TWENTY TWO

Written by Liam Olsen

“Holy powers of Spiderpants!” cried the co-pilot! “If that’s you, lying on the floor with your face hanging loosely off your skull like the loser in a ham-hurtling tournament, how come I can also see you stood in the doorway with your penis flowing majestically in the space-breeze!”

“Fear not you simple and possibly homosexual buffoon! The man on the floor is my twin brother, Scotty! I made him wear my uniform in case Jesus Fuck made it aboard while I was still in the shower plucking the space weevils from my anus!”

With that, Pilotface opened the airlock, said a few choice words and blew his brothers mince into the deep vast black of space. It was at that point that the ships computer realised the mortal danger that they were in!

“Beep-wer-bip! Captain, the enemy vessel recently lorded over by the late Jesus Fuck wishes to engage you in battle after your dead twin accidentally brutally murdered their lord and master! What should I tell them sir?”

Captain Pilotface stroked his goatie beard for a moment before realising he had shaved it off this morning

“Tell them I am sending over a huge crate of prostitutes and a bottle of Jaegermeister and see what happens!”

“But Sir,” insisted one of the crew. “We have no Jaegermeister or prostitutes! What will we send instead!”

“Send them a box labelled prostitutes… but filled with Plasma explosives….. and your wife!”